Mixtape Two

i’m misaligned  misanthropy to pass the time  this crooked jaw  i’m always feeling awful  i’m so ashamed  yes that’s it i’m so ashamed  & so is she  i’m so awake  the reverberating seam of daybreak  the hem where night falls again  is splitting into livid mistakes  i’ve been tryin to say  but these awful letters rearrange  my name: my namesake  look around  these redundancies resound  take this sound:  how the architecture  meanders  oh my my  i can’t get it off my mind  your fingers curled:  a contorted row of antlers  are you reaching out to me oh god

I’ve been avoiding the void but I can’t see the point were you talkin to me o, my eyes were closed I’m sorry When you talk in your sleep you draw me out from underneath take your hand in my hand bloodbrother ampersand & the blood will flow in the morning when my thoughts are flowing also you only know what you notice & no, you don’t know me. If you’re askin ‘how could I know’ then you don’t know me or if I want it bad enough broken branches in your eyelids & your iris: a violent violet If you could see me now!

Hand over hand I’m pulling myself together on this itchy couch again I’d pull you in but I couldn’t help thinking or my mouth was tarpaulin let me start again: I didn’t mean to say so much about my plans so you see my hand (see?) it’s never either/or now stigmata ampersand The morning is the self it’s self evident: a clattering of blinds: a mimetic wind: a sympathetic tremor I’m a tessela of signs. o I close my eyes &: fractal inner rings of varicose resign! coiled dark inside I’ll open my eyes and clear my throat when I know it’s time: AAAAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOUU AA OOOO & && &&& &&&& &&&&& &&&&&& &&&&&&& &&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

I was warned about you but then, I was worn through then but then I let the sound in of torches along the path’s edge rustling in my eyes & ears our eyes & ears hours would pass & nothing… All contorted in row these antlers don’t cut through nor do they tessellate with anything along where we’re walking cutting out & in & out & out & in again hours would pass & nothing… I know you you know our bodies move in unison the answer’s within that I could be burning houses but i’m not. I knew you I thought our bodies moved in unison Lucile, I rescind that I could be burning houses but I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not I’m not.

this is how i spend my life up  singin old songs  what if i waste my life up?  & all my problems  it's so stupid  they're not even problems  it was supposed to snow  & it did for a minute  but there's no distraction now  or we could spend these years up  on the phone  but is that much better?  it was supposed to snow  but it didn't  so there's no excuses now

it's a long way  through the cold day  why do i need  besides what i  recoil & lay beside/s  why do i need that  i drank too much  she thinks i think too much  what do i need  that's not a part of me  do i care about my brain  remembering everything?  i remember everything

get out  get on  get overthrown  get out  get on  get overthrown  you lay  you lay  you seize the day  don't you know  i'm seizing slow

do you wanna dance?  fine. but do you remember when
  in your living room
  when we made some room & moved ourselves around in it?
  it's how my heart resumed.
  i got caught/ you got those caravaggio moves
  we had some good ideas but we never left that fucking room  do you wanna talk?
  fine. i’ll talk it out with my dad
  it's always nice what he says
  he’ll have some good advice from something in a book he read
  if i did what i wanted then why do i feel so bad?  would you like a drink
  while we wait for everything
  to get good again?
  we’re good at things & so are a lot of our friends
  we should all be rich & making moves like nancy kerrigan, yea  i dont know what
  i’m afraid of
  but i’m afraid
  one day it all
  will fall away
  maybe i read that
  but still, let’s see
  if nothing else it’s an idle curiosity  so would you like that drink?
  fine, yea i know. i remember that too
  in your living room, right?
  when we began to fight but then we both got confused
  then we were laughing & crying in awe of the size of the moon  do you want to die?
  fine you’re right
  but i wonder what it feels like
  to stop feelin so alive
  what if we could wake up in five years and things’d be feelin alright?
  i wanna visit the future and dance in a field of light!

i'm out  there's nothing here to care about  what's that sound?  what's that song about?  it's nothing worth me sayin aloud  so then why do i seem to  need to?  why do i seem to  need to?

I don’t think this is where we end but I’ve got some things that we must attend to. I’ve been indiscriminate but I can’t hide behind accidentals. Now, I’ve been saying somethings I don’t like but what else can I identify with? I can’t sleep I’m on them vines. I knew those easy days, long days, long aisles in between me. I’m living on easy line, blue vine, then I’m sick, I’m sleeping all the time. I said I’d be there, so I’ll come & let you in. O, it’s for you, Leo, from across the meridian. When I was over you my arms were trembling. I said I’d be there, so I’ll come & let you in.

the night my necklace fell off you fluttered through my capillaries like a stone moth i agree with your ideas but not your tactics so look me in the eye & be practical when practically there’s nothing left for me to say or do it’s only up to you a live ladybug trapped between my toes: keep it together man we’re all connected now stay composed i agree with your ideas but not your tactics so look me in the eye & be practical when practically there’s nothing left for me to say or do it’s only up to you the current picture: the metronome; i don’t know what this is but it’s not my home i thought that we were falling in love but we weren’t; only i was i agree with your ideas but not your tactics so look me in the eye & be practical when practically there’s nothing left for me to say or do it’s only up to you

You said wake up when the curtains are moving out and in. I said that might not be too far from the truth, anyways. I’ll buy you breakfast, I’ll buy you medicine. You’re calling me out, you’re calling me in. Little thoughts running, it’s not a problem, it’ll come back. I’ll get to hand shaking when I wanna. I can’t be alone enough. I can’t be alone enough. Walking awful quiet I could organize my head: compartmentalizing it, starting out with our impediments. I can’t have breakfast without you calling me! (You’re calling me out, you’re calling me in.) Little thoughts running, it’s not a problem, it’ll come back. I’ll get to hand shaking when I wanna. I can’t be alone enough. I can’t be alone enough. Go back to the safe side, go back to Mather Knoll. Go back to the safe side, go back to Mather Knoll. Go back to the safe side, go back to Mather Knoll. Go back to the safe side, go back to Mather Knoll.

Quick shadow dribbling down me: I'm looking over my shoulder. Justifying anything's easy, like, you look when you hear a sound. Somebody once told me, “Loosen up your eyes because it feels nice,” then no more on that subject. I blindly led you on & me in the process. Thick pupil dilating quietly: I'm looking over my shoulder. Just if I'm within the interstices, then I'm looking for when you come ‘round. Somebody once told me: “Loosen up your eyes because it feels nice,” but then no more on that subject. I blindly led you on & me in the process. Don't ask how my day was, don't ask anything else. (Where did all the time go? // Where'd you put my suitcase?)

Leaning in a dark room: a look alike James Wright (when all my life I’ve been rejecting, what will I say yes to?). What did I say yes to? I’d been cutting glass carefully & all my time was spent alone; I didn’t expect you. What did I say yes to? What did I say? Been talking ‘bout you so much I’m talking you away. (What did I say yes to? What did I say? I’ve been talking about you so much I’m talking you away.) Cooking up some mushroom in my kitchen, tryna tell you about my month; you’re only half-listening. I know I never listen; how can I? Your eyes bloom: slanted yellow in the blinds bleeding into a dark room. So how could I say yes to you? What should I say? I’ve been talking ‘bout you so much Yea, what did I say yes to? What did I say? I’ve been thinking ‘bout you so much I think I’m thinking you away. I'm opening it up now: What a plunge! What a lark! I'm picking all the seeds out, I'm peeling off the bark. I'm picking all the seeds out! I'm breaking it apart. I'm opening it up now, I'm peeling off the bark.

What if I went down to the pinegrove & didn’t find anything? What if I went past it, yet nothing in me sang? Now I’m behind again because my bones won’t align that way. Some other time, in another life. Ever since “The Archangel Michael Killing Satan” I’ve been tryna capture both ends of the splinter: the visible part between my fingernails & the part still in my finger. Ever since I can remember, since the day before they split, I’ve been tryna capture some realm I don’t know yet. You & I, we’re immiscible. I’ve known it since we laid in the thistles. & in the moments when I’m difficult you silence me in my revolt. Every since “I,” since the moments when the night limped by, & all of a sudden it was morningtime. Morningtime, morningtime.

Rolling on his back like an ocelot crawling on his stomach you make the lids stick together nothing really bugs me out nothing really bugs me. Tightening the slack on the millimeter tape trudging through your stomach I make the walls split forever nothing really bugs me out nothing really bugs me anymore. I've had enough. Now we're on the same page. Circling the gap like you don't know what you hold drying out my knuckles you tucked it between the folds nothing really bugs me out nothing really bugs me. Recycling the cans at the center by the boxcars we've been carving little symbols in the bark nothing really bugs me out nothing really bugs me out. So let it go: there's nothing I could tell you that you don't already know.

I woke up it was Saturday, grey in the sky, there’s nothing more to say on that. I got up got out of my bed, stretched my arms wide, it’s time to let this fall from me. It’s time to let it fall. I move through & just as soon my clothes are catching on. (My eyes closed, lost in my room.) I move through & just assume my clothes are catching on thorns, but I’m bringing them with me, bringing them with me. Call me on Sunday. Call me! Call me! Call me on Sunday. I move through & just as soon my clothes are catching on. I’ll come through, I always do. When I’m moving I just assume my clothes are catching on thorns, but I’m bringing them with me, bringing them with me. I never kept good touch. But it’s alright, you never expected much.

Don't tell me that the west has won; we worked hard to reverse that notion. Closer than anyone, but we're not for each other, no: I've got to crack my eyes to watch the wind blow. Cat's Cradle is a fable, we all know that. Soon as I can I will slide that under the table. I met your mother and you father & I liked them; they bicker the way we bicker, the way we bicker. A black cat just snuck up on me; activities and distractions are my remedy. You're writing by lamp light, you're writing by the moon rise: a stark contrast to the Montclairian buzz skies. Cat's Cradle is a fable, we all know that. Soon as I can I will slide that under the table. I met your mother and you father & I liked them; they bicker the way we bicker, back when our blood was thicker than oil & the soil was in every spark & every pore & everything. My departure made my nerves sting. It's leaving a person place or thing you know you shouldn't. On jet lag: I'm past that. Plainly, none of this is that bad. He said, "let me be clear this woman's crazy." I caught a glimpse of your truth as you turned to me & it was kind & it was stubborn, just like I'd like mine to be so I will dissuade, I will just sleep. I can be patient, probably.

I'm in bed for days with a toothache. I've been dead for days. Oo.oO in the summertime. Oo.oO when I'm so inclined. I'm in bed for days with a toothache. I've been dead for days. Oo.oO in the summertime. Oo.oO when I'm so inclined. Oo.oO you're that jagged line: you're my heartbeat. You're my heartbeat! I flip the on-switch, I mark where I tread! I put the sand in my, I put the sand in my bed!

The night my necklace fell off you fluttered through my capillaries like a stoned moth. I agree with your ideas but not your tactics so look me in the eye & be practical. When practically there's nothing left for me to say or do, it's only up to you. A live ladybug trapped between my toes. Keep it together man, we're all connected now. Stay composed. I agree with your ideas but not your tactics so look me in the eye & be practical. When practically there's nothing left for me to say or do, it's only up to you. The current picture, the metronome: I don't know what this is but it's not my home. I thought that we were falling in love but we weren't; only I was. I agree with your ideas but not your tactics so look me in the eye & be practical. When practically there's nothing left for me to say or do, it's only up to you.

Rolling on his back like an ocelot crawling on his stomach you make the lids stick together nothing really bugs me out nothing really bugs me. Tightening the slack on the millimeter tape trudging through your stomach I make the walls split forever nothing really bugs me out nothing really bugs me anymore. I've had enough. Now we're on the same page. Circling the gap like you don't know what you hold drying out my knuckles you tucked it between the folds nothing really bugs me out nothing really bugs me. Recycling the cans at the center by the boxcars we've been carving little symbols in the bark nothing really bugs me out nothing really bugs me out. So let it go: there's nothing I could tell you that you don't already know.